#20: Internal motivation
Adam Ondra loves the crowd. I smile when he’s sending a competition route on TV, and he pauses just below the anchors, shaking out, and he turns to the crowd. With one arm he hangs, and with the other he encourages the audience, asking for cheers, asking for adoration.
I smile because he is clearly finding such joy those moments, and it’s wonderful to see someone finding such joy, while exhibiting such mastery. I am sure Ondra has enormous amounts of internal motivation — but the external motivation is a big part of his game. He loves it.
Me not so much. Part of what I’ve always loved about climbing is its internal focus. Its ability to meet you wherever you are, and humble you.
No matter how good you, there’s always a swath of rock somewhere that you will underestimate. It will tower down on you, stop you in your tracks, and remind you that you are a pale figure beneath its might.
Climbing is between me and the rock. In the archetypes of story, it is man vs. nature, and even more, for me, man vs. himself. As I’ve written elsewhere, I battle inner demons when I climb. That’s its appeal.
But approaching the sport so internally focused can have its pitfalls. When I don’t send, or when I don’t try hard, I blame myself. I question my commitment, my courage, my passion. I question why I won’t do more for a pursuit I supposedly love so much.
It’s a cycle that, in all honesty, plays out in other areas of my life over and over. Where’s my commitment? Where’s my passion? Do I care about the pursuit of excellence?
Through my life I’ve often been incredibly hard on myself, sometimes to the point of depression. I beat myself up because I didn’t accomplish something, but even more because I didn’t try hard enough to accomplish the thing. My friends tell me I did good. My parents are proud. My girlfriend admiring. My son looks up to me. My peers see me moving ahead.
And that’s all nice, but it’s never been what gets me out the door.
That’s why I can say this: there is absolutely nothing special about 5.12. It’s just a grade. The one I picked. To see if I can find that commitment.